Philadelphia, PA

In an surprising turn of events, Sixers forward Jimmy Butler has demanded a trade – but not of himself. Butler has demanded that every member of the 76ers depth chart be traded before the February deadline. The only exception to this demand was Mike Muscala (“He’s an absolute dog”), but stars Ben Simmons and Joel Embiid are amongst the players Butler wants to see traded. The shockwaves have been felt around the NBA with teams clamoring for trade packages that could land them transcendent talent from the long heralded “Process”, despite the Sixers front office denying the availability of anyone at this time.

Perhaps even more jarring was Jimmy’s cutthroat demands that the Sixers relocate from Philadelphia for a more central location in the United States. “Shit, anywhere but here. Can you fathom how hard it is to do these west coast road trips? No, you don’t. Moving our sorry asses to Kansas City or Omaha would increase our performance beyond belief.” A midseason move of a franchise would be hard to believe, but if the Sixers want any hope of retaining Butler’s services long term they may have to do as the Baltimore Colts did in 1984 and slip out in the middle of the night to Indianapolis. “It just makes no fucking sense that we’re here.” chimes in Butler. “It’s not that I don’t like Philly, it’s that I don’t think we should be here.”

As of press release, sources indicate to BucketHeadz that Brett Brown is meeting with Sixers brass on how to handle the current situation. Sitting at 25-14 Philadelphia seems to only be a consistent role player or two away from true title contention. Butler asserts that this may not be the case, while maintaining his innocence. “I speak directly, and I guess that upsets some people. When you work as hard as I work people will start to understand where I’m coming from. It’s why bum-ass Joel Embiid ain’t coming to Omaha with us”.