Boban. A name far more suitable for a god or deity than Michael. The NBA is better than the league’s ever been and it’s all thanks to the mass collection and analyzation of data. Our lord and savior John Hollinger provided us with the perfect amalgamation of this progression in our sacred sport and called it PER, or player efficiency rating. With the evolving playstyles of players like Stephen Curry and James Harden complimenting and even at times pushing our movement of math into basketball, the game has morphed into the final phase of evolution, wherein if it isn’t an uncontested layup you’re approximately 713.12% more efficient taking a shot from outside the arc. Two points may be more than zero, but going on an 0 for 27 run in Game 7 of the western conference finals was sure as fuck worth trying. Shoutout to Houston!

Sadly we aren’t here to talk about Houston and James Harden, we’re here to talk stats. And nowadays, you can’t talk stats without talking Boban Marjanovic.

Marjanovich is the ultimate combination of size, size, and size and puts it to use within one foot of the basket. Doc Rivers has been able to extract previously untapped potential (I’m looking at you Poppovich, you dinosaur) and now we see why he won the Celtics a title. The Clippers are again respectable, and it’s not because Tobias Harris looks like J Cole. It’s Boban. Unleashed.

Men lie, women lie, but Boban doesn’t, and neither do numbers. Statistics have pushed our game into the mountaintop of what’s possible with this sport. Once our league has officially banned the midrange pullup jump shot, we can cancel the league entirely. Shut it down. You can have too much of a good thing, but not too much of Boban. The Jordan v Lebron debates have been misguided attempts by the old guard to distract us from the revolution. Who do these luddites think we are? Do they think we wouldn’t notice that Boban Marjanovich is the all time leading PER holder in NBA history? Funny, right? They’d probably say Boban couldn’t shit on Wilt Chamberlain either, let them rot is what I say.

366 words later I’ve convinced 74.2% of you to reconsider your relationships with numbers. And nothing gets me hornier. Well, maybe someone.